-006_Relations with Others.htm

I would suggest that in your relations with others, -which seem always to have been full of disharmony, -when incidents occur, it would be much better for you not to take the standpoint that you are all in the right and they are all in the wrong. It would be wiser to be fair and just in reflection, seeing where you have gone astray, and even laying stress on your own fault and not on theirs. This would probably lead to more harmony in your relations with others; at any rate, it would be more conducive to your inner progress, which is more important than to be the top-dog in a quarrel. Neither is it well to cherish a spirit of self-justification and self-righteousness and a wish to conceal either from yourself or from the Mother your faults or your errors.

Each one has his own way of doing Sadhana and his own approach to the Divine and need not trouble himself about how the others do it; their success or unsuccess, their difficulties,their delusions, their egoism and vanity are in [the Mother's] care; she has an infinite patience, but that does that she approves of their defects or supports them in all they say or do. The Mother takes no sides in any quarrel or antagonism or dispute, but her silence does

not mean that she approves what they may say or do when it is improper. . . . The Mother tolerates all; she does not forbid any criticism of the Sadhaks by each other nor does he give these criticisms any value. It is only when the Sadhaks see the futility of all these things from the spiritual level that there can be any hope that they will cease.

I see no reason therefore why you should care so much if any body is not behaving well with you. I have told you already that people in the Ashram-it is true even of those who have inner experiences and some opening-are not yet free in their outer selves from ego and wrong ideas and wrong movements. It is no use getting distressed or depressed by that. What you must do is to be turned only to the Mother and relying on her go forward quietly with your work and Sadhana until the time when the Sadhaks are sufficiently awakened and changed to feel the need of greater harmony and union with each other. Let only your spiritual change and progress matter for you and for that trust wholly in the Mother's force and her grace which is with you-do not let things or people disturb you,-for compared with the truth within and the journey to the full Light of the Mother's Consciousness these things have no importance.

If you want to have knowledge or see all as brothers or have peace, you must think less of yourself, your desires,

feelings, people's treatment of you, and think more of, the Divine-living for the Divine, not for yourself.

You must never forget that I disapprove of quarrels and always consider that both sides are equally wrong. To surmount one's feelings, preferences, dislikes and impulses, is an indispensable discipline here.

In human life the cause of all difficulties, all discords, all moral sufferings, is the presence in everyone of the ego with its desires, its likes and dislikes. Even in a disinterested work which consists in helping others, until one has learned to overcome the ego and its demands, until one can force it to keep calm and quiet in one corner, the ego reacts to everything that displeases it, starts an inner storm that rises to the surface and spoils all the work.

This work of overcoming the ego is long, slow and difficult; it demands constant alertness and sustained effort. This effort is easier for some and more difficult for others.

We are here in the Ashram to do this work together with the help of Sri Aurobindo's knowledge and force, in an attempt to realise a community that is more harmonious, more united, and consequently much more effective in life.

As long as I was physically present among you all, my presence was helping you to achieve this mastery over the ego and so it was not necessary for me to speak to you about it individually very often.

But now this effort must become the basis of each individual's existence, more especially for those of you who have a responsible position and have to take care of others. The leaders must always set the example, the leaders must always practise the virtues they demand from those who are in their care; they must be understanding, patient, enduring, full of sympathy and warm and friendly goodwill, not out of egoism to win friends for themselves, but out of generosity so that they may understand and help others.

To forget oneself, one's own likings and preferences, is indispensable in order to be a true leader.

That is what I am asking of you now, so that you can face your responsibilities as you should. And then you will find that where you used to feel disorder and disunity, they have vanished, and harmony, peace and joy have taken their place.

Beyond all preferences and limitations, there is a ground of mutual understanding where all can meet and find their harmony: it is the aspiration for a divine consciousness.

Do not dwell much on the defects of others. It is not helpful. Keep always quiet and peace in the attitude.

That is quite right. Only those who sympathise can help-surely also one should be able to see the faults of others without hatred. Hatred injures both parties, it helps none.

There is no harm in seeing and observing if it is done with sympathy and impartiality-it is the tendency unnecessarily to criticise, find fault, condemn others (often quite wrongly) which creates a bad atmosphere both for oneself and others. And why this harshness and cocksure condemnation? Has not each man his own faults-why should he be so eager to find fault with others and condemn them? Sometimes one has to judge but it should not be done hastily or in a censorious spirit.

The psychic self-control that is desirable in these surroundings and in the midst of discussion would mean among other things:

1. Not to allow the impulse of speech to assert itself too much or say anything without reflection, but to speak always with a conscious control and only what is necessary and helpful.

2. To avoid all debate, dispute or too animated discussion and simply say what has to be said and leave it there. There should also be no insistence that you are right and the others wrong, but what is said should only be thrown in as a contribution to the consideration of the truth of the matter.

3. To keep the tone of speech and the wording very quiet and calm and uninsistent.

4. Not to mind at all if others are heated and dispute, but remain quiet and undisturbed and yourself speak only what can help things to be smooth again.

5. If there is gossip about others and harsh criticism (especially about sadhaks), not to join-for these things are helpful in no way and only lower the consciousness from its higher level.

If only people did remain a little quiet before speaking, acting or writing, much trouble could be avoided. So many things are said uselessly, they bring misunderstandings and bad feelings which could have been saved with silence.

If were spoken only the words that needed to be spoken, the world would be a very silent place.

An atmosphere of spirituality sometimes helps much more than an exchange of words.

It is always a sign of strength to be able to say things gently and it is always weakness that bursts out into unpleasantnesses.

Do not trouble yourselves with what others do, I cannot repeat it to you too often. Do not judge, do not criticise, do not compare. That is not your lookout.

When, in ignorance, one speaks ill of others, he debases his consciousness and degrades his soul. A respectful and modest silence is the only attitude befitting a disciple.

"When you have nothing pleasant to say about something or somebody in the Ashram, keep silent.

What you write about the family ties is perfectly correct. It creates an unnecessary interchange and comes in the way of a complete turning to the Divine. Relations after taking up yoga should be less based on a physical origin or the habits of the physical consciousness and more and more on the basis of sadhana- of sadhak with sadhaks, of others

as souls travelling the same path or children of the Mother than in the ordinary way or with the old viewpoint.

When one enters the spiritual life, the family ties which belong to the ordinary nature fall away -one becomes in- different to the old things. This indifference is a release. There need be no harshness in it at all. To remain tied to the old physical affections would mean to remain tied to the ordinary nature and that would prevent the spiritual progress.

All attachment is a hindrance to sadhana. Goodwill you should have for all, psychic kindness for all, but no vital attachment.

In yoga friendship can remain but attachment has to fall away or any such engrossing affection as would keep one tied to the ordinary life and consciousness.

To give oneself to an outsider is to go out from the atmosphere of sadhana and give oneself to the outer world forces.

One can have a psychic feeling of love for someone, a universal love for all creatures, but one has to give oneself only to the Divine.

The love of the sadhak should be for the Divine. It is only when he has that fully that he can love others in the right way.

The Ashram is not a place for being in love with anyone. If you want to lapse into such a stupidity, you may do so elsewhere, not here.

It is true that it is extremely difficult to keep free from vital mixture any close relation with human beings. But the remedy is not to cut all such relations, but to be constantly vigilant (on one's guard) and not to allow vital attractiveness to rule one's actions.

The whole principle of this yoga is to give oneself entirely to the Divine alone and to nobody and nothing else, and to

¹This letter of Sri Aurobindo was printed as a card and distributed to the sadhaks of the Ashram around 1970. The title was given by the Mother.

bring down into ourselves by union with the Divine Mother-Power all the transcendent light, force, wideness, peace, purity, truth-consciousness and Ananda of the supramental Divine. In this yoga, therefore, there can be no place for vital relations or interchanges with others; any such relation or interchange immediately ties down the soul to the lower consciousness and its lower nature, prevents the true and full union with the Divine and hampers both the ascent to the supramental Truth-consciousness and the descent of the supramental Ishwari Shakti. Still worse would it be if this interchange took the form of a sexual relation or a sexual enjoyment, even if kept free from any outward act; there- fore these things are absolutely forbidden in the sadhana. It goes without saying that any physical act of the kind is not allowed; but also any subtler form is ruled out. It is only after becoming one with the supramental Divine that we can find our true spiritual relations with. others in the Divine; in that higher unity this kind of gross lower vital movement can have no place.

To master the sex-impulse,-to become so much master of the sex-centre that the sexual energy would be drawn upwards, not thrown outwards and wasted- it is so indeed that the force in the seed can be turned into a primal physical energy supporting all the others, retas into ojas. But no error can be more perilous than to accept the immixture of the sexual desire and some kind of subtle satisfaction of it and look on this as a part of the sadhana. It would be the most effective way to head straight towards spiritual downfall and throw into the atmosphere forces that would block the

supramental descent, bringing instead the descent of adverse vital powers to disseminate disturbance and disaster. This deviation must be absolutely thrown away, should it try to

occur and expunged from the consciousness, if the Truth is to be brought down and the work is to be done.

To those who want to practise the integral Yoga, it is strongly advised to abstain from three things:

So, honesty demands a choice between the Ashram and sexual relations. It is a matter of conscience.

Always behave as if the Mother was looking at you; because she is, indeed, always present.

One rule for you I can lay down, "Do not do, say or think anything which you would want to conceal from the Mother."

Live always as if you were under the very eye of the Supreme and of the Divine Mother. Do nothing, try to think and feel nothing that would be unworthy of the Divine Presence.

Here, you know, you have another way, quite simple. I don't know why you don't use it because it is quite elementary. You imagine that I am in front of you and then you say to yourself, "Would I do this before Mother, without difficulty, without effort, without something holding me back?"That, that will never deceive you. If you are sincere, you will know immediately.

Sri Aurobindo wrote a little rule which for some time we had put up everywhere. But I believe it must have disappeared now or else people are so used to it that they no longer even look at it. He said: "Always behave as if the Mother was looking at you,"and he added, "because she is, indeed, always present."Still, these physical eyes: "No, no, no, she isn‘t there", and so the first instinct is to hide things. Not only does one do things that one wouldn't do before me, but as one doesn't at all believe the last part of Sri Aurobindo's sentence, that even though I am not there physically, perhaps I still know how things are, the first instinct is to hide things, and the moment one enters that path, it is like stepping into quicksand. One goes down, down, down; it seizes you, it grips you, it drags you down in such a way that it is very difficult to come out of it. Of

all things this is the worst: "Ah, provided Mother does not know!"And so it begins like that, and that's the end. Well, I hope not many of you tell lies, but still, that is usually the end of the curve! And so, you see, that this is one of those stupidities without equal, for-I am going to tell you something, and I can tell you this with impunity-even if you don't want it to happen, it will happen all the same!

Apart from the fact that the Ashram is not meant for those who seek the satisfaction of their vital or sentimental desires, but for those who aspire to perfect their consecration to the Divine, I have to warn you that here you must do only what can be done publicly because nothing can remain hidden.

It is impossible to give a single answer for all cases. With each person and on each occasion, it will differ. But, at any rate, it can be said that whoever lives in a community must follow, as much as possible, the rules of that community. Moreover people have a right to go against collective rules only when all their actions are prompted exclusively by the Divine in them. If all they do, all they say is done and said as they would do and say in the presence of the Divine, then, but then only, they have the right to say, "I follow my own rule and no other."